Beer Troubleshooting
Explore the Extreme Limits of Your Alcohol Tolerance
2003.1.27 - by J-Dawg

Now some of us are what you would call beer connoisseurs, and there are some who just drink way too much fucking beer. I have assembled this troubleshooting list to help those of you who are just getting started into the wonderful world of ales and lagers, stouts, porters and pilsners. Let these tips guide you as you explore the extreme limits of your alcohol tolerance.

ERROR: Beer is crystal-clear.
FAULT: It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
ACTION: Punch him.

ERROR: Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
FAULT: You've wandered into the wrong party.
ACTION: See if they have free beer.

ERROR: Feet cold and wet.
FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

ERROR: Feet warm and wet.
FAULT: Improper bladder control.
ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

ERROR: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
FAULT: Glass empty.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

ERROR: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
FAULT: You have fallen over backward.
ACTION: Have yourself chained to bar.

ERROR: Mouth contains cigarette butts.
FAULT: You have fallen forward.
ACTION: See above.

ERROR: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

ERROR: Floor blurred.
FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

ERROR: Floor moving.
FAULT: You are being carried out.
ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar

ERROR: Room seems unusually dark.
FAULT: Bar has closed.
ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender, take taxi home.

ERROR: Taxi's interior suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
ACTION: Cover mouth.

ERROR: Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
FAULT: You are dancing on the table.
ACTION: Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

ERROR: Hands hurts, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
FAULT: You have been in a fight.
ACTION: Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

ERROR: Your singing sounds distorted.
FAULT: The beer is too weak.
ACTION: Have more beer until your voice improves.

ERROR: Don't remember the words to the song.
FAULT: Beer is just right.
ACTION: Play air guitar.

ERROR: Ugly woman in your sights.
FAULT: Insufficient beer intake.
ACTION: Up the dosage.

ERROR: Shins and toes hurt.
FAULT: You've been walking into things.
ACTION: Maintain dosage.

ERROR: Squishy feeling in the hands.
FAULT: You have grabbed hold of a woman's breasts.
ACTION: Duck to avoid boyfriend's fist.

ERROR: Bed is bumping around.
FAULT: Taking an ambulance ride.
ACTION: It's too late, you made an ass of yourself.